Jeremy Clarksons Top Quotes

The mans a legend

• And when you rely on a sat nav, you don’t notice that the sun is in the
  wrong place in the sky. You stop using your inbuilt compass, your innate
  sense of which way is up. And don’t argue with any of this. Everyone
  can navigate by instinct, and if you can’t there’s something wrong with
  you and you should be in prison. The only people who can’t navigate
  instinctively are women and anyone trying to find Malpensa airport in
  Milan.
  

• We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.
  

• Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you.
  

• I've seen better looking gangrenous wounds than this. (Clarkson on the Porsche Cayenne)
  

• (Referring to the Porsche Cayenne) 0-60 takes 5 and a half seconds...and about 17 gallons of fuel....
  

• Now we've been told in this new series, we've got to feature more green
  cars. So here's one. It's really the greenest car we could find, really.
  (A bright green Lamborghini Murcielago)
  

• Now we get quite a few complaints that we don't feature enough
  affordable cars on the show, so we're kicking off tonight with the
  cheapest Ferrari of them all. (a Ferrari F430)
  

• (At start of Top Gear Nov. 2005 season, after a teaser featuring dozens of supercars) welcome to Greenpeace!
  

• A turbo, exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, with a
  supercharger, air goes in,witchcraft happens and you go faster.
  

• This is the latest S Class. Now available with a very economical:
  Twin-turbo, Six litre... I don't mean economical do I? That's the wrong
  word..
  

• I do apologise, we have wasted your evening, there are no good Korean or Malaysian cars.
  

• You know? That's the nineteenth caravan we've destroyed on this programme in 12 months.
  

• If I had to nitpick, and obviously I do.
  

• At this point the Germans are propably rolling
  around on the floor laughing, So: "Ze tommies have made ein car out of
  spit und kleenex, zhey will be crushed." (Testing the MG SV prototype)
  

• Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear, I
  mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would. One
  day, it would pull your head off.
  

• In the olden days I always got the impression that
  TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled.
  Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining
  about how dead he was.
  

• Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill
  and then run over him again for good measure. They are designed to melt
  ice caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone
  layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands and
  turn the entire third world into a huge uninhabitable desert, all that
  before they nicked all the oil in the world
  

• That means, a Range Rover, doing 10,000 miles a
  year, produces less pollution a day than a cow farting(While discussing
  about "Methane as a global warming agent")
  

• The only reason anyone bought the old Land Rover Discovery was because they couldn't afford a Range Rover.
  

• As a result, it weighs 2.7 tonnnes - and that makes
  it heavier than a Rolls-Royce Phantom. It's so heavy, that if you were
  to load it up with stuff, and then hitch up a trailor to the back;
  technically, you need an LGV licence.
  

• It's really as useful, as a snooze button on a smoke alarm. (Regarding the adjustable suspension in the Bentley Continental GT)
  

• (Top Gear Bloopers) I've just realised something, it's late...and I'm drunk!
  

• (Top Gear Bloopers) Who has decided to do Nazi Route Marching?
  

• (Top Gear Bloopers)(Car Alarm Goes Off) Would you like to come to Top Gear again? Morons.
  

• (On the Audi R8) Driving most supercars is like
  trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase, but this is like smearing
  honey onto Keira Knightley.
  

• I'd like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.
  

• The Ferrari 355 is like a quail's egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts' belly button.
  

• (On the Alfa Romeo Brera) Think of it as Angelina
  Jolie. You've heard she's mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But
  you would, wouldn't you?
  

• (On the Brera again, talking about a version with a
  slow 0-60mph time and a big price tag) It's like Cameron Diaz. You know
  she's a vegetarian, you know she's a commited eco-mentalist... would
  you say no? That car is like Cameron Diaz, with wheels.
  

• The Caterham may only have 250 bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same.....as a j-cloth.
  

• We start tonight with the highlight of my
  childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you
  would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey
  shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT.
  Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron
  Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of
  jelly.
  

• If this car was a breakfast. It would be cornflakes on toast.
  

• (On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG)It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.
  

• Aston Martin DB9... that's not really a racing car, that's just pornography.
  

• (Ariel Atom) This is driving Nirvana! You can
  forget anything you've ever driven, anything. There is no car, nothing
  on four wheels, that is as fast as this.
  

• The most hard core BMW ever made. (M3 CSL)
  

• (about the Ferrari F40) And what I love is that
  when you're on the over-run, and you take your foot of the throttle,
  listen!... there are these huge bounces... just dumps great wads of
  unburnt fuel into the exhaust... FOR FUN!
  

• (test driving a Turbo Bentley through a cloud of rubber smoke) It's like Blenheim Palace on wheels!
  

• (Aston Martin V8 Vantage Roadster) I would rather be in this than in Keira Knightley.
  

• (On the BMW X3) If you are clinically insane, by
  which I mean you wake up in the morning, and you think you are an onion,
  this is your car.
  

• What Overfinch did with the old Range Rover was
  replace the 4.6 Litre Engine with a 5.7 Litre V8 from a Corvette. And
  thats fine in a car which weighs nearly 2 tonnes...If your name is BP
  Esso McShell.
  

• Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan
  Almera is like telling them you've got the ebola virus and you're about
  to sneeze.
  

• The old DB7, that was just...a Jag in Drag...it was
  an XJS in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB9) is completely
  different...
  

• No, no, no. There's no such thing as cheap and
  cheerful. It's cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful. (referring
  to Proton Savvy)
  

• I'd rather go to work on my hands and knees than
  drive there in a Ford Galaxy; Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy
  upholstery had a cauliflower fixation; I would rather have a vasectomy
  than buy a Ford Galaxy.
  

• You do not just avoid the Suzuki Wagon R. You avoid it like you would avoid unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.
  

• (about the Ford GT40) Was this the greatest
  hypercar of them all? Well, that's a question I've never really been
  able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.
  

• Racing cars which have been converted for road use
  never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then
  editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up
  with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.
  

• (On cars at a Max Power show) Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they'll blow up.
  

• What did the Morris Marina compete against?... walking?... the bus?
  

• Deciding which one is worse (the Austin Allegro or Morris Marina), is like deciding which leg you'd rather have amputated.
  

• (about the Ford Escort) It's powered by engines so rough, even Moulinex wouldn't use them.
  

• Whenever I'm suffering from Insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I'm straight off.
  

• Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.
  

• (about the Renault Clio V6) I think the problem is that it's French... It's a surrender monkey.
  

• It costs Volkswagen 200 pounds to buy a set of four
  fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. Kia could propably make a couple of
  cars for that.
  

• This is for every time I've caught you dawdling at
  junctions, this is for every time I've caught you doing 4 miles per hour
  in a motorway. This is PAYBACK TIME!! (Clarkson shouting at a Volvo 340
  seconds before it is put through a crusher)
  

• This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the
  people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying
  'Oh good, I've got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted
  diseases!'
  

• This pram's turning circle is tighter than Thrifty McThrift's Book of Belt-Tightening for Boys!
  

• (about the Chevrolet Corvette Z06) In many ways
  then this car is like herpes. Great fun catching it but not so much fun
  live with every day.
  

• (on the McLaren F1 in his movie, Most Outrageous) I
  respect it enormously, in the same way I respected my old head master.
  But we never became friends.
  

• (On a Buick LeSabre) It was rubbish when it was new, it was built by idiots, and it's rubbish now.
  

• (On a Audi RS4 Convertible) The only person who looked good in a 4-seated convertible was Adolf Hitler
  

• (On the evolution of the Golf GTI between MkI and
  MkIV) I voted for this as the greatest car of the 20th century. Over the
  years, however, the Golf GTI got bigger, and fatter, and slower. Think
  of it as Elvis Presley. It started off all athletic and full of vigour,
  and wound up on the lavatory, an enormous, dribbling hulk.
  

• (About James May) ...Why are you on this program?
  

• (About Lethal Bizzle) It's acts like that which
  killed Top of The Pops in the first place, they kept booking acts like..
  what's his name? Jizzy tissue.
  

• (To Lewis Hamilton at the NTA Awards) ...And if you see Fernando Alonso again, tell him his eyebrows are too big...
  

• (A cyclist riding past in Oxford) The thing is, around here - Oi! Did you see that? I was damn nearly knocked over by a cyclist!
  

• (About the Chinese) Chinese people have no souls. From his column in 'The Sun' newspaper
  

• (About Drummers) Drummers are a bit like house
  flies. They're born, they make a noise, then they die. From his column
  in 'The Sun' newspaper
  

I think hes fab! His books are brilliant!

my fave quote on there


Aston Martin DB9... that's not really a racing car, that's just pornography.


I LOVE ASTON'S my dream cars.........

You missed afew....

And on that bombshell

And on that bombshell

And on that bombshell

And on that bombshell

And on that bombshell

And on that bombshell

And on that bombshell

And on that bombshell